Couples can sometimes find themselves arguing about everyday disagreements and challenges. The details may change, but somehow the argument can end up feeling very familiar. However, often couples conflicts aren’t really about the dishes, finances, sex, parenting or who forgot to do something. These issues are usually just the surface level topic. Underneath, there is usually a deeper pattern that continues to repeat itself.
The fight we see vs what is really happening underneath the surface
Most arguments have multiple layers – there is the surface level issue that can trigger a response in the other person, and then there is what is happening below the surface level.
Emotional Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) helps couples to look deeper at their emotional reactions to conflict.
For example if a couple has an argument and one partner says: “You’re always on your phone. You never listen to me.”
On the surface, the argument is about the phone, but underneath, that partner may actually be feeling things like: “I miss you. I don’t feel important to you. I want to know that you want to connect with me.”
The other partner may hear the criticism and respond: “Nothing I do is ever good enough for you. I always do the wrong thing.”
Underneath that response might be something like: “I feel like I’m disappointing you. I don’t know how to make this better, and I’m afraid I’m going to say the wrong thing.”
Suddenly, we can see that this argument isn’t really about a phone at all.
We all protect ourselves in different ways
Our nervous systems have different ways of reacting in order to protect us from hard emotions and pain. Some of us protect ourselves by moving toward our partners during couples conflicts. This may look like anger, criticism, lashing out or raising our voice.
Others may withdraw or move away from conflict. They may become quiet, shut down, or retreat. Neither reaction is necessarily wrong – they are usually unconscious protective strategies that we have learned over time.
The challenge is that these different protective responses can unintentionally trigger each other. Sometimes the more one person pushes for connection, the more overwhelmed the other may feel and pull away. The more that person pulls away, the more rejected their partner may feel, causing them to push even harder.
The couple can find themselves back in the same fight because of this pattern.
How to break the cycle in couples conflicts?
Breaking the cycle can start with simply just noticing the pattern. Pause and get curious about what you are feeling in your body and what emotions may be underneath the anger, criticism or shutting down.
Taking a deep breath can create space to do things differently. Rather than lashing out or withdrawing, try communicating the more vulnerable feeling underneath, such as – “I feel alone” or “I feel overwhelmed.” The goal isn’t to never have any conflicts, but to notice the cycle sooner and learn to interact with each other in a new way.
When asked about helping couples navigate having the same fight, Atim Bassey, LCSW-C, states, “For most couples they believe the topic is the problem. It’s important to redirect couples away from the topic of the fight and focus on why the fight keeps happening. What is the pattern they are engaging in? What is the wound that keeps opening? What is the fear that keeps the fight going? When you can help them refocus on those aspects they can see it was never about the dishes.”
If you are interested in working through conflict in your relationship, couples therapy may be right for you. Contact us to get scheduled with our experienced therapists in Gaithersburg, MD.
Lindsey Simpson (she/her) is a Master of Social Work (MSW) clinical intern at Gaithersburg Counseling Center and is currently completing her graduate training at the University of Maryland School of Social Work, where she is pursuing a clinical concentration. She earned her bachelor’s degree in Psychology from the University of Miami. Lindsey is passionate about helping teens, adults, and couples navigate life’s challenges with compassion, curiosity, and authenticity.