How we communicate in relationships is important to the health and strength of the connection between two people. A foundational tool of communication is the “I feel” statement. But what actually is an “I feel” statement and how does it work?
If in relationships you are navigating recurring conflicts, emotional distance, or difficulty understanding each other, “I feel” statements can be a great starting point for improving communication and connection while aiding in conflict resolution.
What Are “I Feel” Statements?
“I feel” statements allow you to express emotions while not placing blame on the other person. With these statements, focus is on the impact of actions and how the person expressing is feeling. They are not meant to assign blame, criticize, or focus on what the other person is doing or has done. Expressing in this way can allow you to focus on what you need or what you prefer. When using an “I feel” statement, it can be helpful to think of it in four parts.
4 Part Format:
- “When You___________________________”
- “I feel________________________________”
- “Becuase____________________________”
- I would prefer that_____________________”
State what happened, what you feel, why you feel it, and what you would prefer in the future. An example might be, “When you talk over me, I feel unimportant because my words are not being heard. I would prefer that you allow me to finish before speaking.
Why “I feel” Statements Matter in a Relationship
- They reduce the chance of a defensive reaction.
The emotional intensity of the conversation tends to be lower when statements beginning with things like “You always…” or “You never…”. Whereas “I feel” statements remove accusation, bring focus to your personal experience, and encourage empathy and compassion over argument. - They allow for emotional awareness to develop.
“I feel” statements encourage you to reflect on the underlying feelings underneath the behaviors. They allow you to grow closer to yourself while offering a clearer form of communication. - They strengthen emotional intimacy.
“I feel” statements encourage vulnerable conversations. When we feel safe enough, we can have the courage to vulnerably share how we feel which builds trust in the relationship.
If you and your partner struggle to communicate vulnerably and effectively, a couples counselor can help. Learn more about couples counseling at Gaithersburg Counseling Center, and contact us to schedule an appointment. If you have questions, you can call or text us at 240-274-5680 or email at Admin@healingllc.com.
When working with clients, Amy (she/her) uses her warm personality along with her relational approach to engage her clients in the therapeutic process. She has always strived to have a supportive, collaborative relationship with her clients, allowing for deep personal growth and healing.